Breathing Underwater

“My father and I look alike. I don’t remember my mother much—she left when I was five—but I’m sure I don’t look like her. My dark hair and dimples come from my father’s gene pool sure as the baby lizards running across our garden path look like Papa Lizard humping on the hibiscus. Still, I search the mirror for differences, anything to avoid seeing him in myself. His eyes are bad enough. Those green eyes can do more damage than his fist, and I see them in my own eyes every day.” 

This passage in the first chapter establishes both Nick’s writing ability—his writing throughout is peppered with similes and metaphors like the one here—and his disdain for his father. Nick is afraid of becoming abusive like his father is, and to him, this potential for being like him is foreshadowed by how much he looks like him. For Nick, physical traits and emotional abuse are genetically linked.

“Like your life’s a big act. Like you’re trying to be a man when you’re just a scared kid, trying to keep under control when you really want to scream, cry, maybe hit someone. Ever feel like you’re breathing underwater, and you have to stop because you’re gulping in too much fluid?”

Mario’s speech during Nick’s first family violence group session signals his penchant for speaking wisdom in the novel. While Nick is at first resistant to it, he eventually absorbs more of Mario’s guidance than he realizes. Mario’s voice becomes a steady presence in Nick’s life that drowns out his own doubts and fear. This passage also highlights the novel’s water symbolism.

“He didn’t finish, because my fist met his jaw. Then, I was on top of him, wailing on him, not seeing his face, just the paint-mottled walls and Caitlin. And Dirk’s hand touching her, hurting her. My breath in my ears drowned out the crowd sounds around me. Glass splinters ripped my skin. My fists flew, hitting and hitting him until finally his face was the colors of those walls, and I felt arms lifting me off him. Tom.” 

This is the first time we see Nick get violent, foreshadowing his violence toward Caitlin later in the novel. Nick’s emotions and beliefs are based on fiction that Nick creates in his mind. He sees Dirk hurting Caitlin, but in reality, Dirk has not touched Caitlin yet.