The Light We Carry: Overcoming in Uncertain Times

The Light We Carry is a 2022 self-help book by former First Lady Michelle Obama. In it, Obama shares personal anecdotes and reveals the tools from her “personal toolbox” that have helped her cope with personal and professional challenges. The book is separated into three parts: Part 1 is dedicated to identifying one’s strengths, Part 2 focuses on family and relationships, and Part 3 explores how to remain positive and resilient during difficult times.

In her work, Obama sympathizes with people everywhere under the immense pressures of the Covid-19 pandemic and a myriad of social and political problems. The author hopes that the tools and stories she shares help inspire a dialogue about how to adapt and grow even during times of uncertainty and adversity.

This guide references the Kindle edition of the book.

Summary

In her Introduction, Obama reminisces about her father’s experiences with multiple sclerosis, a painful disease that reduced his mobility. Her father’s illness gave her insight into how feeling “different” affects people’s lives. She uses her father’s cane as an analogy for the psychological tools people rely on to remain functional and cope with hardships. Obama explains that her work explores how to find one’s strength, the importance of relationships, and how to build resilience.

In Chapter 1, Obama admits that the Covid-19 pandemic and the beginning of Donald Trump’s presidency made her feel anxious and unmotivated. She reflects on how she used to be compulsively busy, finding satisfaction in feeling productive and achieving new goals. As a result, the forced hiatus during lockdown made Obama feel stressed and purposeless. She finds solace in knitting, and notices how the new hobby helps her deal with anxious thoughts. Working with her nonprofit, the Girls Opportunity Alliance, helped Obama realize many young people are idealistic and ambitious but can feel limited by the magnitude of societal challenges. She encourages young people to focus on small, manageable tasks while they work toward broader goals and to protect their own sense of balance and mental health.

In Chapter 2, Obama reflects on how fear can limit people’s enjoyment of life and opportunities. She credits her parents for breaking generational cycles of fear in her family, and she recalls how they helped her become “comfortably afraid” with risk. She’s glad she confronted her fears about her husband running for president, and she advises reframing nervous feelings in a positive way so that they don’t become limiting. Chapter 3 explores people’s relationship with themselves, and Obama admits that she struggles with self-critical thoughts and feelings of inadequacy. She has a daily practice in which she directs a kind thought toward herself or focuses on something she’s grateful for. She recommends that people develop similar practices to unlearn negative thinking patterns and reestablish a kinder relationship with themselves.

In Chapter 4, Obama argues that feeling different can create barriers to self-esteem or catalyze mental health conditions. She reflects on how she felt embarrassed by her height as a child and was frustrated by the lack of female athletic role models who could help her celebrate her physical strength. She also experienced being a visible minority at Princeton, which was predominately white and male at the time. Obama felt culture shock at Princeton and experienced bias (both from other students and from teachers), which took a toll on her self-esteem. Connecting with other Black students and mentors helped her overcome this challenge and focus on her own agency in each situation.

Part 2 focuses on relationship. In Chapter 5, Obama explains she’s a very committed friend and is intentional about connecting with each of her close friends as much as possible. Obama emphasizes the importance of friendship by recalling times when she needed her friends’ support, such as when she experienced infertility or when she first moved to Washington, DC. She laments that social distrust, busyness, and tech distractions can hinder people from forming genuine and lasting friendships, and she urges people to make friendship a priority in their lives.

Chapter 6 explores romantic relationships. Obama advises people to be open to learning how to build a healthy and mutually beneficial relationship. She confesses that while she’s frequently asked for relationship advice, she considers it a very personal subject. Obama credits her parents for providing her with an example of a stable, positive relationship, which she appreciates more now that she has been married for many years. She admits that she and her husband endured difficult times in their own marriage and sought marital counseling to get through it. Obama characterizes married partners as a team that must always function together.

In Chapter 7, Obama examines the pressure that mothers feel to achieve “maternal perfection” in their parenting. She credits her mother with helping her cope with the stresses of motherhood and passing down wisdom that helped her raise her own kids. Obama’s advice is to show kids that you appreciate them, create an emotionally safe environment for them to express themselves, and encourage them to be as self-sufficient as possible by doing chores and learning age-appropriate skills. Chapter 8 evaluates media representations of very successful women. She claims that glamorized profiles of successful people don’t typically reveal the work and collaboration that created their success. She credits her team of assistants with helping her as First Lady and helping her run her nonprofits now. Obama analyzes how some women experience imposter syndrome as they become more successful and argues that to overcome this feeling people should share their stories and feel proud of how they overcame challenges.

In Chapter 9, Obama explores whether to conform or live authentically. She admits that she often code-switched in her youth and tried her best to assimilate in different personal and professional environments in order to succeed. Obama wishes that everyone could be their authentic self at home and work but acknowledges that it can be challenging when people are vulnerable to bias and everyone has different ways of dealing with the issue. Obama expresses her hope that society will become more inclusive and people won’t have to hide qualities such as their dialects or natural hair. Chapter 10 explores how to deal with negativity and discrimination and to “go high” even when others engage in toxic behavior. She recalls the pain of being the target of racist caricatures by the American tabloid press during her tenure as First Lady. She dealt with this negative coverage by ignoring it and focusing on her work, which she tried to embrace both seriously and joyfully. Obama argues that negative people bait their victims into confrontation to drain their energy and distract them from their goals; this is why she chose to put her time and energy into her public engagement campaigns as First Lady. She concludes her work by insisting that “going high” is always worth it and that the values of decency and dignity are useful only if they manifest in our work and actions and not merely reactions. She advises, “Don’t forget to do the work” (297).